Who would believe just painting your fingers and toe nails a bright turquoise blue would set up a chain of events that took me on such an emotional roller coaster.
It was a fun girlie thing to do before going to a party, Anny had such an array of colours and I loved the turquoise blue, so far so good!
Just before leaving I noticed I was feeling very uncomfortable with my nails, I felt very nervous and insecure.
What would people think, I never wear this colour I’m a pink person. What would Anny and Alfred’s friends think?
The party was great fun but I also found myself holding my hands in such a way as to not show my nails, the fact that I had open toe shoes on really defeated the object because that turquoise was shining like a beacon on my toes.
They made me feel all of the above; I felt right out of my comfort zone, exposed, vulnerable and how I thought people would perceive me. It took three days for me to be at ease with those nails and then I really liked them. The funny thing is, not one person in Ottawa or when I got home mentioned my beautiful turquoise blue nails.
You think that’s the end, oh no, that roller coaster was now in full swing.
Now back home I felt myself being very stubborn and petulant with myself, as to what I didn’t want to do.
I didn’t want to do the housework, the ironing, the office work, answer my mail, return that call, write those cards, write my blog, I felt tired.
Then came the should’s and the ought to’s, I’m having this debate with myself. You really should answer that mail. Return that call, you know how annoyed you get when people don’t return your call. Write those letters, that’s such bad manners; you weren’t brought up that way.
Then came the guilt. This went on for days, then in the midst of yet another dialogue I said to myself, what do you really want to do at this precise moment in time, a very short pause was followed by, “I just want to be quiet and do some knitting”.
So that’s exactly what I did and in a very short space of time I started to feel more at peace with myself.
Next day I sneezed and put my back out, I was in agony. I did all the usual stuff and over a few days it started to ease then bang, back to square one. I know, I know, my body has been telling me for months that I needed to do some form of exercise. My body needed some more movement. I was thinking about water aerobics and there lies the clue, thinking about it! but I had a lot going on, I’ll do it in the autumn after my trip.
Trying to light the fire with a dishwasher tablet, sending a text to the wrong person. You are not paying attention was screaming at me. I could see the messages but nothing seemed to change.
Some days I felt so bad that I spent those days in bed, I just wanted to cry. I didn’t like being stuck in bed and there was the answer, I was stuck. I was stuck in so many old patterns and I could suddenly see them very clearly, I needed to let them go so I could move forward.
I went to see someone yesterday about my back (it’s a great story how he came into our family’s life a few months ago), he is extremely busy but per chance he had a last minute cancellation, right on cue!! He was amazing, did some great work on me, I was totally locked up, his words, not mine. Can’t say it wasn’t painful at times but I feel so good today all be it a little tender. Another bonus, his partner teaches pilates in the village up the road from me. So I am going to give that a whirl.
I had been making very conscious changes for months but could never understand why it still didn’t feel quite right. I now have a greater understanding. It’s when we really start to get a sense of our true selves, that we become internally and externally strong.
I have just been looking at photos for this blog and it made me smile. In my Blog Completed I had two pictures of me, one looking down and one a picture of my back. They say that every picture tells a story. I don’t particularly like having my picture taken but I remember asking Anny if she would take a picture of me with some flowers that I felt really drawn to.
No surprise when you see the colours involved or the fact that I spent almost three weeks where one river or another was my constant companion. All relating to the emotions and expressing them.
Now I feel very comfortable saying, this is a picture of myself in the garden at Les Jardins d’ Emmarocalles and one of my many river pictures.
My beautiful nails
Les Jardins d’ Emmarocalles